


Tit for Tat

by Belial_Aphroditus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Humor, Lazy Pranks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-06-01 00:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6494071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belial_Aphroditus/pseuds/Belial_Aphroditus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lockhart pulls off something for once. But successfully knocking Severus Snape on his backside may not have been worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tit for Tat

Professor Snape pulled off his gloves after entering the main hall. As he looked up at the decorations, he could feel the snow on his shoulders melt. Flitwick as always out did himself. The halls were even more stunning than before. Yet still familiar enough to remind Snape of his many holidays at Hogwarts. 

The Potions Master was often told that he was a bitter man and he was always happy to agree. Still that didn’t mean he could enjoy a moment, rarely. And Christmas was often one of those rare moments. He spent and would spend every Christmas he could at Hogwarts. His parents encouraged it when he was in school. Now he really couldn't imagine it anywhere else. A short growl from his stomach saved him from his usual mental tussle between happy and sad memories. With a passing glance and a smirk he left the hall.

Snape just turned the corner on his way to the Great Hall when he almost walked into Gilderoy Lockhart. On any other day, even mentioning the man would cause Snape to grind his teeth as bile rose in his throat. Yet, today the sight of the man gave Snape another moment.

This time the feeling wasn't of bittersweet nostalgia. It was an all together different feeling. Snape learned after careful research it was 'hope' with maybe a twinge of Schadenfreude.

Lockhart looked no different than normal. He still wore gaudy pastel colored robes and had far-too-shiny hair.  No, what brought a taste of holiday cheer weren’t his looks. It was Lockhart standing stock-still in the middle of the hallway.

 _'Christmas miracles come earlier every year._ '  He thought as he circled Lockhart. Snape ignored ever eroding respect for the traditional Christmas miracle time and just took the festive sight in. He knew he should alert someone over his colleague's fate. He should, if only to avoid suspicion, look bereft, but this was Lockhart.

This was Lockhart; the DADA professor bested by pixies. No, worse, this was Lockhart, who could not go a minute without trying to sell a book. Even worse, this was Lockhart, proof that hard work meant nothing compared to good looks and charm. Worse of all, this was Lockhart, who dared to give him, the Potions Master, potions advice!

Snape was going to enjoy this.

"Oh, whatever will we do with our hero in such a state?" Snape mocked. "Maybe hire a competent Defense teacher for once." Snape chuckled after he said that and tugged on his gloves. “Look at me thinking about my benefits from this! I'm sure you're looking forward to the book you'll write. Yes, I can imagine 'Perils of a Petrified Professor.' Would you like some material ideas?” Snape said made to give Lockhart a kick to the shins.

"BOO!" Lockhart shouted.

Snape yelped and stepped back with the intended kicking leg. Unfortunately he stepped on the snow soaked hem of his robes. It and the foot slid forward, pulling his shoulders back a causing Snape to land on his arse. He sat on the ground trying to avoid the eyes of the man now laughing at him. Snape tried to keep his mind off hexes.

Lockhart was going to pay, he didn't know how but he was.

Snape gave Lockhart the glare he saved for Potter. “Professor Lockhart, do you lack a calendar? Because a quick look around will make it clear it is December. Not. October!” He said.

“Now, Snape, I’m certain you, of all people, are familiar with the muggle song ‘Everyday is Halloween.’” Lockhart said making sure to let a little venom out.

Snape ignored the obvious bait and swatted the hand Lockhart then offered. Choosing to pick himself up, he dusted himself off as he plotted. That train of thought ended by two interlopers.

"What's going on here?" asked Madam Hooch. Next to her Professor McGonagall gave both men the baleful look both knew from their school boy days.

"Oh, just having a little fun." Lockhart said and explained his little prank. He explained his prank to Professor McGonagall.

‘Lockhart seems to have a death wish’ Snape mused to himself.

McGonagall’s face turned as Lockhart kept yakking. “You insensitive, arrogant…humph!” she sputtered, trailing off into an indignant huff. “Are you even aware that one of Mr. Creevey’s friends might have come across you? How funny would you prank be then?”

“Imagine Filch getting a hold of you.”

“Ooo, that’s and even better Snape,” Hooch said.

“Enough! I’m serious!” McGonagall barked.

“Okay, okay,” Hooch said holding up her hands before the wands came out. “Let’s just get to dinner.

The four teachers made it to the Great Hall for dinner. Hooch sat between Snape and Lockhart. Both Snape and Hooch chose to be a buffer between Lockhart and a still fuming McGonagall.

Of course Lockhart couldn’t let a chance to gloat go. He ignored his overflowing plate of meat and potatoes to bore his audience of Flitwick and Vector. Though, who wouldn't brag about knocking the imposing Severus Snape over with the simplest of pranks?

Snape could barely stand it.

Flitwick couldn’t take it much better than Snape. In fact _he_ snapped first. “And you say you came up with this little prank?” Flitwick said.

“Why yes, it’s simple I know but even simple methods can be useful. It’s like the time when I—“ Lockhart said until he was cut off by Flitwick.

“I only ask because I had to give a Slytherin first year a month’s worth of detention and a loss about a hundred points. Sorry Severus.” Flitwick said.

“I suppose getting to read Miss Lovegood’s essays will make up for it.” Snape said while picked at his meager salad.

Lockhart muttered to himself. The most of which Snape could make out was “The one time I pay them off.”

Snape would have to get that students name. If any student of his could be bought off with anything less than a good amount of gallons—well they’d have more to worry about than a few detentions.

Flitwick chucked and bounced in his seat. “She’s an odd duck isn’t she?” He said.

Tensions eased at the table as the topic of discussion move away from Lockhart. It should have been obvious he wouldn’t let go of the spotlight so easily. Plopping his elbow on the table, he cut off Snape and Flitwick’s conversation.

“I should apologize, Professor Snape. Maybe I can get you a Christmas gift? You know I have an excellent hair care line. Maybe some of my famous Occamy shampoo? What do you say Snape?” Lockhart said with the smuggest expression in his arsenal.

Save Hooch pressing herself against the back of her chair and Dumbledore casting a shield charm no one else at the table moved. Snape seethed and turned beat red as he compared the nastiest curses he knew. Only estimating the pay he would lose kept him from blasting something important right then and there.

Lockhart caught on to what his ego and idiotic comment hand gotten him into. The smirk slid from his face as his eyes widened. He looked back to the headmaster but other than the shield spell he didn’t seem to be paying attention.

Lucky for him, Snape noticed something. “That’s not necessary Professor.” Snape said calming himself. “The only thing I would have asked for is the mash potatoes but your elbow is in them.”

Lockhart and the others looked to the the table. Sure enough, Lockhart had planted his elbow right in the bowl. In fact he knocked it over a bit and potatoes had slid down his sleeve and on to the table cloth. The rest of the table laughed or scoffed at Lockhart’s predicament and bad manners. Lockhart himself shrunk back into his seat and tried to wipe off the potatoes from his expensive robes.

Dumbledore gave a warm smile to Snape but left his shield up. Snape didn’t notice either as he was enjoying the little Christmas present fate gave him.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was going to have multiple chapters and posted during the appropriate holiday season. But I'm already working on a few longer works and couldn't get it done in time. So now it is a ill-timed oneshot.


End file.
